The Real 4th Trimester - By Rae!
The black girl who was always striving to do well and make others proud. Focused on her studies, got a great job immediately after high school, and worked full-time at night while going to college full-time during the day. I navigated that world to become a woman in the grueling fast-paced world of corporate America where you constantly have to prove yourself. Now add new motherhood and being woefully unprepared. That was my journey.
This post is not to scare any potential new moms out there, but to shed some light on what my journey into motherhood was like and how the 4th trimester affected me. As mentioned earlier, I had been in the corporate world traveling, working with executives, and being part of the rat race for most of my professional career. I knew how to network, what to do when I hit a roadblock, how to collaborate with others, and the list goes on. So imagine my shock when I found out my husband and I were pregnant (SURPRISE) at the age of 39. I was excited but panicking. We both knew nothing about having kids as this would be our first, but we knew that God’s timing is always the best. Fast forward to midway through my pregnancy, and I keep seeing stories of the state of black maternal care in the US. Young black women dying, hospitals not paying attention to black patients when they say they’re in pain; and how I needed to navigate this new world with my job. I was becoming overwhelmed and going through anxiety.
Thankfully I found HOM – Hands of Melody and they helped ease my worry TREMENDOUSLY. I cannot go on enough about the sisterhood, friendship, support, no judgment, and advocating that we received. Melissa even took it upon herself to call my OB’s office on my behalf after hearing about a negative experience I had.
I took the lessons learned while in the corporate world of organization, preparedness, learning, etc, and was applying them in force to prepare for my baby. I had all the things I was supposed to have, I knew all about breastfeeding/bottle feeding, and vaginal vs. c-section birth (p.s.: You are never ready to watch that vaginal birth video). However, what I was unprepared for was the fourth trimester. You are so focused on completing 10 months of pregnancy, you never really focus on what happens to YOU after the 10 months are done. I would say that I went through 7 emotions from the day I had my son until at least when he was 3-4 months old. I had almost every emotion EVERY SINGLE DAY. Prepare yourself for the fact that you may also go through these emotions, and you need to know that you are justified in feeling all of them and are not alone. (Joy, Fear, Determination, Exhaustion, Sadness, Depression*, Acceptance) These were the various emotions I experienced. From the excitement of my son being born to immediate fear when his glucose levels were extremely low and needed medical intervention. Then my milk came in FULLY a few hours after he was born and he failed to latch. Followed by my determination to get breastfeeding right. Once the exhaustion kicked in, I think that was the beginning of the downward spiral I went through. See, what is rarely discussed is that in the 4th trimester, while you have this wonderfully adorable human in your arms, your body is constantly working to put things back where they were. This puts you in a heightened emotional state all the time and does not account for the feelings that you now start experiencing while you have your child.
I always excelled at work, I knew who to go to for help, I knew how to do things, etc, etc, etc. Motherhood….NO CLUE!! Plus, I had the added pressure on myself that others expected me to know things since I was a “woman, and good with kids”. I’m sure you can relate to that statement. So how did that translate for me…suffering in silence, constant exhaustion, and PPD. I kept pushing and pushing until I reached my breaking point when my son was inconsolable after 40 minutes of non-stop crying. After reaching out to family and doctors for support, I reached the acceptance phase. The old me who was a hard-working woman, who could travel wherever and whenever I was needed, and who knew how to work late into the night, no longer existed. I now needed to be re-introduced to this new woman. This strong black woman cannot be afraid to ask for help, will tell others no without having to give a reason, will know that I can only do one thing at a time, and enjoy the moment that I am in.
As much as society paints the picture of a “snap back” both physically and mentally after birth, it is not a true reality, especially for black women. It took my body 10 months to completely rearrange itself for this human life, take advantage of the next 10 months to adjust. Those first 3 months post-delivery are such critical times that you have to ensure that you take as much time planning for them too. Research a postpartum doula, night nurse, or meal train, journal (this works so well), put family/friends on schedules, and inform them where you need help when they come by. Know that you always have a support system and if it is not with your immediate family, you can leverage groups like HOM to be there for you. I did and have never looked back!!
Rachel A.